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Long LIVE “J” my LOVE
By Mrs. Rani James
All is well that ends well goes the popular saying….
Was it all a nightmare… no …
but I still prefer to believe it to be a REAL
nightmare though the nightmares cannot be real. When it ended well
I heaved a sigh of relief and said it was only a nightmare. My agony turned into ecstasy.
James my husband whom I intimately call “J”, is a great guy with substance, a
remarkable statement I often hear people saying. Today the 16th June 2005, he
turned 55. Long live “J
” my love.
On 28.01.2005, it was a Friday, early
in the morning he flew to Chennai to
deliver a lecture on geographical
indications one of his pet subjects. There was nothing unusual about it since
his weekend schedules were already planned and fixed in advance and on every week end he was
away from Delhi. He got up that morning with fever. Notwithstanding his physical condition he
travelled to Chennai since he had to fulfil his commitment. He returned to Delhi on 29th night still
having fever, coupled with urinary problem. On Sunday the 30th Jan. 2005, the doctor
on emergency duty at the CGHS dispensary, Pandara Park was consulted. A kind and sensible
young lady doctor Dr. Jalaja diagnosed his problem as UTI, not mistake it as Unit Trust of India but it was URINARY TRACK
INFECTION. She prescribed pertinent antibiotics. The medicines were bought and without losing any time he began taking the
prescribed doses of drugs. My “J” is one of those most cooperative patients who would follow the doctor’s
advice verbatim. He will never make any compromise or special allowances when it comes to meeting the demands of the treating
doctor. He felt a bit better. However, he decided to rest on Monday the 31st January 2005. I went to office since there was nothing serious with James in the morning on that day. Suddenly on that afternoon,
he began to feel uncomfortable while passing urine, still following the advice of the Doctor, he kept drinking plenty of water.
Gradually, the urine output began diminishing in proportion to the fluid intake. My
“J” a man of great will power also has terrific level of tolerance. His capacity to withstand intense physical
pain is very unusual. It was around 8.00
pm that three of his friends came over for a social visit
since their friend had not attended the office that day. He was by then in agony since the bladder was full and all his effort
in passing urine failed. He had reached the danger zone. But no one including
me was able to figure out the intense pain my “J” was going through. He
kept discussing on certain books he was reading and no one would ever imagine that he was in agony. Every now and then he
was going to the loo still making the last effort in emptying the bladder. It was gradually showing on his face and all of
us sensed the emergency action needed. Our doctor friend Dr. Ravi was contacted.
He was on his way home. Immediately on reaching his residence, he rushed to the service of my “J”. It was already
9.30 pm. He examined him and straight away ordered to reach him to the nearest hospital as any delay
would have been fatal.
He was rushed to the Ganga Ram hospital by 10 pm. The doctors at
the casualty attended on him immediately and inserted the cathedra and drained out the 800ml urine that was blocked in the
bladder. What a relief he experienced he said later in the most humorous tone quoting one of the famous old Malayalam writers
… He was cool and composed while walking out of the casualty department of the Ganga Ram hospital. One of his close
friends fainted seeing him carrying a uro-bag. It was now the turn of his friend to be wheeled into the casualty room. It
was a sudden flash back of his childhood experience in the hospital, his friend later told us. The hospital staff attended
on him and in half an hour he became normal. We drove back home.
The doctors at the Ganga Ram hospital wrote on their pink card BHP (Benign Prostatic Hypertrophy).
The diagnosis was third degree prostate. Surgery was recommended…
Now, what do we do with this BHP.. how do we handle
the third degree prostate inside
him .. his friends and well wishers some of whom
“J” refers as ‘lay experts’ began to give varied opinion, suggestions, advices all
out of concern. Dr. Ravi was of the opinion that
we get the surgery conducted either at
the Apollo or at the R.G Stone. While Apollo was covered under the CGHS list, the R.G Stone was under the purview
of Medi-claim. Hence, both the options were accessible to us. However, we chose
R.G Stone on account of its proximity to our residence.
On 3rd February 2005, we went to the R.G
Stone located at East of Kailash. They did all their routine investigations…. PSA (Prostatic Specific Antigen), blood
sugar, urine culture, chest x-ray, ECG, Trans Rectal Ultra Sound, and so on and so forth. Considering the fact that R.G Stone
is a speciality health centre catering to all urology related cases and having all the latest technologies including that
of Laser surgery, Laparoscopic Surgery etc., we thought it best to get the surgery done there. Meanwhile, the results of each
of the tests started coming. All the reports were ready by 3.00 pm on the same day. Some of the results were
alarming and were crucial to us. The PSA report showed a reading of 77 against the normal range of 0-4, his blood sugar shot
up to 330, all time high reading, never in his 15 years of diabetic life such
a phenomenal change occurred. The Ultra Sound also detected an additional small stone in his right kidney. We went back to
the different specialists at the R.G Stone with all the alarming reports. The significances linked to each of the reports
were discussed. It was that blessed PSA reading which brought my morale down. The narrative on the PSA report stated that
it is a marker of Carcinoma. It further reiterates, it is just a marker…. Well some kind of hope …belief….
and faith that his case is not that…The endocrinologist was also consulted and he prescribed high doses of anti-diabetic
drugs for my “J” who till then was on mild anti – diabetic drugs. The doctors at the R.G Stone were in a
dilemma since immediate surgery was not possible with his condition at that time. Hence, they prescribed high doses of antibiotics
to bring the infections under control. We were also told that when there is any sort of infection in the body, the blood sugar
can shoot up and similarly, any rise in the blood sugar could also contribute to the increase in the infection level, therefore
it is a vicious circle. In the case of James too this logic was absolutely right. We returned home with heavier heart and
mind.
I did not want to believe that my “J” was suffering from any serious illness.
I only wanted to hear everyone assuring me that there was nothing wrong with him.. I was not yet ready for any other kind
of reality. It took no time to spread the bad news or sad news whatever
you may call. Our home was crowded with well wishers and close friends. One of my Hindu friends advised me to go to the Shrine
of Our Lady of Velankanni, at Khan Market. Yes, I said to myself, I will go there and fall at the feet of Mother Mary and
ask for help to heal my “J”. Next day, my best friend who I consider
also as my younger sister, visited me and handed over a small slip of paper on which written” “BY THE WOUNDS OF
JESUS, JAMES IS HEALED” She asked me to keep repeating the prayer. I kept
repeating it day in and day out.
On 10th February 2005 we decided to go
to the AIIMS for a second opinion. Mr. Vijay Kumar, the best and the closest friend of my “J” drove us to the
AIIMS on that day. He has always been a great source of strength to us particularly in our times of troubled moments. He is also one of those who are well versed in reading the horoscopes of those whom
he is closely linked. Incidentally, as per the horoscope, he has discovered that there is an intimate linkage between his
family and our family. The horoscope predictions made by Vijay have always proved right. We all know that Astrology is science.
At the AIIMS, the senior resident Dr. Rishi went through the reports of both the hospitals,
Ganga Ram and R.G. Stone. He physically examined “J” and confirmed
that he has an enlarged prostate. He also did a great act of charity and gave my James the much desired relief by ordering
the removal of the cathedra immediately. (At this point of time, I decided to have Vijay with us whenever we went for any
important medical tests.) The doctor further wrote on his hospital card, Ca.Prostate?
His verdict at that point of time was purely on the basis of the PSA reading. The doctor further ordered for a bone
scan. We returned home with heavier hearts. My “J” was so composed
and very courageous. He consoled me saying that if the Doctor’s diagnosis was to be right, we will do the best treatment available and leave the rest to the Almighty. However the whole world turned around
in front of my eyes at that moment. But I continued to recite the prayer which my best and the closest friend told me.
On 11th Feb, 2005, it was again Friday,
the day dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, as per the personal advice of Dr. Ravi, we went to Diwan Chand for the scan of liver and the lower abdomen. The reports
were negative. Well, one more hurdle we crossed for the present, I said to myself
and I thanked the Almighty.
It was on Tuesday the 15th February 2005, a day particularly dedicated to St. Antony,
we took the appointment for the crucial test of BONE SCAN at Mahajan.. Ever since our first visit to the AIIMS, I felt
that if Mr. Vijay accompanies us every thing will be in our favour. Hence, following my conviction, I expressed my desire
to have Vijay with us whenever we went for any important medical tests and he was more than happy to oblige me. In the morning of 15th Feb. 2005, at 9 00 am we reached the scanning centre. James was
taken to their scanning room within ten minutes of our arrival. Vijay and I waited anxiously and patiently at the lounge.
They injected certain dye into the entire bone structure of “J”
which we were told was the preliminary step for the bone scan. This took less than half an hour. We were told to return to
the centre exactly after 4 hours. The actual bone scan was at 1.00 pm. We went home after the injection. At 1.00 pm we reached back at the centre for the scan.
My “J” was once again taken inside. He
was inside the huge scanning machine for a full length of 25 minutes. He was made to lie first on his back, later on his stomach,
on sides etc. He later told us of his unique experience of those moments in the
most interesting way. It was for him being on a space ship and his imaginations grew and grew and grew…
The scanner completed its task. Now it was the job of the specialists’ to translate
those codes into words. My heart began beating faster and faster, my hands and feet turned cold. A whole lot of thoughts both
positive and negative kept flashing in my mind. Vijay was sitting next to me not uttering a word, but fully grasping my feelings
at that moment. I too could fathom the suppressed tension on his face. Vijay has a
fine and gentle-manly approach in dealing with other human beings. The
young assisting doctor was passing by and Vijay very tactfully enquired the result of the scan. Her first response was that
the senior doctor is processing it and the report will be handed over in half an hour. On our insisting, she said the scan
seems to be all right. We both heaved again sighs of relief. By this time James joined us. He was in his normal self…no
obvious sign of anxiety or worry on his face. He was rather excited about the scanning machine and his wonderful experience
inside the machine. As promised, the neatly printed report along with the slides with images of his entire bone structures
was given to us. The narrative report said all things normal…what a great joy, the Almighty be praised. My best friend
was at the chapel praying when the doctor at the centre was writing his findings of the scan. She later told me that while
she was on her knees praying earnestly, she felt someone assuring her that what she asked in prayer has been positively answered.
We returned home with a great deal of peace.
On 19.03.2005, it was a Saturday, the day of Blessed Virgin Mary. We were given time for
the 1st biopsy at the AIIMS. On the previous day i.e. Friday, we met Dr. Rishi, who looked at the latest reports.
The PSA reading was 33, the bone scan was normal. He requested us to be at the
C-4 ward of the urology by 8.30 am. As preparatory measures James was
administered anima at 5.00 am and also given specific drug. On the previous day of the biopsy, our son Rajesh
whom we affectionately call Cuckoo, joined us. His physical presence did make a big difference to both of us. He is a very
responsible and reliable young guy. Hence if he is around we can be assured of getting any thing done. He has some real good
and sincere friends who will oblige him and do anything for him.
Mr. Vijay reached our home so punctually at 8.00 am to accompany
us to the AIIMS for the 1st biopsy. Besides the three of us, Mercy
who is most merciful, helpful and compassionate (a niece of “ J “ working as a senior staff at the AIIMS), and
our son Rajesh waited, for the arrival of Dr. Rishi, a very calm, composed and sober looking young handsome senior resident,
outside the locked room, the door of which bore a sign board Ultra Sound Room. The
room was unlocked at about 8.30 a.m. by a nurse. Soon James was called in and prepared him further for the biopsy.
Dr. Rishi walked in to the
room at about 8.45 a.m.. Mercy was allowed to stay with James
in the room where the biopsy was being done. It was Ultra Sound guided Biopsy. We all kept sitting outside the room anxiously
and patiently with our fingers crossed. I kept repeating the small prayer which I believed would bring me the answer I was
wanting. The biopsy was completed in 20 minutes. The doctor took out seven specimens
by poking in seven areas of his prostate, a small delicate part of a male organ. The Ultra Sound also clearly showed the doctor
that James’ enlarged prostate had shrunk considerably. This made the doctor for a moment to think that perhaps a surgery
may not be required. But in order to take a definite decision, the lab report of the biopsy was most necessary. Incidentally,
a biopsy of this nature is a painful affair. But my “J” with his terrific tolerance capacity, when asked the intensity
of the pain he felt, his response was no pain but the form which the nurse had to fill indicated the possible intensity ranging
between 1-20. Hence the nurse was in a dilemma. James quipped in and said “fill
the column with 1 instead of 0”. We went home with lighter heart. James rested for a couple of days. There was certain
amount of pain after the biopsy. He had some antibiotics and occasional pain killers. Our son returned to Pune where he is
studying.
Now the waiting for the report of the biopsy was the most agonizing moments. The eleven full days were extremely too long I thought. The
printed report with the doctors’ and the consultants’ remarks/observations were finally given to us on
02.03.2005. Our God was kind. The lab report was hopeful still. Out of the seven samples tested, six were totally free while
one was not clear and caused concern. Hence, one of the chief consultants of
urology department Dr. A.K. Hemal ordered for a second biopsy exactly after one month. On 19.03.2005, a second biopsy was
conducted on my “J”. It was again on a Saturday. The earlier procedures
were meticulously followed for the second time. It was again the same doctor, Dr. Rishi, a senior resident at the AIIMS. This
time twelve specimens from one particular spot were taken for testing and to
rule out doubt of any kind. I intensified my prayer, so also several others who
loved us. People of different religion, language and culture praying to their God, asking for the health of James. God was again kind and merciful. The report of the second biopsy was received within six
days, five days earlier than the first report. It was on 24.03.2005. Well, this time the doctors and consultants were conclusive in their judgement. There was a typical cell
found which confirmed their suspicion..
From the surgeon’s point of view, a six full weeks gap was necessary before the planned
radical prostectomy. Hence, Dr. Hemal noted in his diary 29th April 2005 as the date for the operation of my “J”.
It was going to be on a Friday.
These six weeks were most eventful. As advised by the doctor, scanning of pelvis and upper
abdomen was done at Divan Chand on 12.04.2005. It was a Tuesday, the day dedicated to the Patron Saint Antony. The reports were again negative. Every important test brought us certain amount of relief. During this
period, he developed mild temperature. His diabetic condition was fluctuating all the time, it was often unsteady. These two
conditions of “J” were creating additional stress and tension on
both of us. This extra stress of “J” lead to the occurrence of an
additional ailment viz, thyroidism. The T4 and TSH confirmed hyperthyroidism. The anti thyroid drugs in considerably heavy
doses were prescribed. It was Numercosol. I thought it sounds nice and easy to pronounce.
Dr. Ammini, the head of the Endocrinology department whom we visited occasionally at the AIIMS was not only a very competent lady doctor but a very kind and down to earth person whose mantra was…. Achan Ichichathum
vaidyan kalpichathum pal. Now this doctor was treating “J”
not only for the DM but also thyroidism. When she put “J” on Numercosol, she told us that the medicine will start
acting on the patient only after a minimum period of 6 weeks and that the
thyroid problem has to subside before the surgery. The tension started mounting
on us since the date for the surgery was already written in the diary of the
Surgeon. There were only just four weeks left. I could not possibly ask my God
to make the four weeks into six weeks, or prove Dr. Ammini wrong nor blame the Numercosol.
The event filled six weeks were coming to an end and as per the surgeon’s instruction,
“J” was to be admitted to the AIIMS on 26.04.2005. God showed yet
another sign of His love for us on the 25th April 2005. The fever left him. The thyroid problem began to subside. His diabetic condition too was within the manageable
level. On the morning of 25th April, our son arrived, and in the evening
J's younger brother from Kerala came. We got ready on the 26th to go to the AIIMS for the admission there
since our surgeon had advised us to get James admitted two days prior to the operation. Nevertheless, by noon, we were informed that there was no room vacant for allotting to us since the priority had gone to a politician under
the VIP quota. Well, we were a bit disappointed but we kept our hope alive. On the following day, that was 27th April 2005, we got our turn and were informed that Room No. 408 had been allotted. Our big
thanks go to all those people in various ministries and departments in different positions and levels who used their influences
and pressures in getting the room allotted on that day.
We took possession of the nice cool and cosy room having all the necessary facilities by
2.00 pm on 27th April 2005. On the morning of 28th April 2005 Dr. A.K. Hemal the chief consultant and the surgeon came to our room with his
team of doctors to assess the readiness of their patient Mr. James and also to assure us that
“J” will be operated on 29th April 2005 as planned. At noon, to be more precise at 12.15 pm one of the hospital
personnel walks into our room and enquires whether we have made the necessary arrangements for the blood. We were also told
that a minimum of 2cc blood has to be given to their blood bank by 1.00 pm. There was just
45 minutes at our disposal to contact friends and relatives for this great act of charity.
When there was just 15 minutes remaining for the deadline, six persons who are dear and near to us reached the blood
bank unit of the hospital generously offering the necessary units of blood. The
most disgusting response of the cold blooded chap sitting at the cold storage of the blood bank was that their duty will resume
again only 2.00 pm. Our dear and near ones though disgusted, patiently waited till then and donated
their precious blood for their dear and near one.
The ordeal was not over. At 4.00
pm Dr A.K.Hemal
came to our room again to break the great news that he was going to make
history in the annuls of AIIMS through James. The proposed radical prostectomy on “J” was not going to be
the traditional laparoscopy but the robotic laparoscopy. In the Indian medical history robotic laparoscopy of the prostectomy was going to be done on two patients on the 29th April 2005 for the first time. My “J”
was one of the two privileged according
to the surgeon of the hospital. But my mind
was full of negative thoughts. Is my “J” going to be a guinea pig in the hands of the surgeons at the AIIMS? Is this robot which looks like a human being with head, hands and legs
as reliable as the real human beings? I was completely disturbed not knowing
the implications of the proposed robotic
surgery of the prostate. I placed all my anxieties and worries at the
feet of Mother Mary and the Almighty who
were my strength whenever
stress and tension engulfed me.
On the 28th April 2005, after Dr. A.K.
Hemal left our room at 4.00 pm, other doctors of his unit came with a list of surgical instruments
and other necessary items to be purchased
for the proposed operation on
the following day. We had no inkling as to where these instruments would be available. Our
helpful and enthusiastic friends set out in search of medical shops big and small, far and near from where the listed items to be purchased for the surgery on the following day. To their great disappointment, ‘none of the required instruments were readily
available at any of the medical shops. They came back to report to the doctors at the urology department the non availability of the needed items for the surgery. It
was then the doctors at the hospital got on their toes in helping us to obtain the listed instruments directly from the company
with whom the hospital had good rapport. We began to make phone calls to the companies
listing out the items with the precise specifications. The response from
the companies was very positive and they promised to deliver the goods in time. Yes they did fulfil their commitment. All the items were brought to our room
in the morning of the operation day. We paid huge bills. What was most important for us at that time was that the surgery should take place as planned. The doctors came in the morning to take charge of all the items bought for the operation.
The compatibility test of the instruments were tested since they were to be handled by the Robot. We were told on the previous
day that the operation would be sometime in the morning of 29th
April 2005. In
view of this, “J” was made to fast from the noon of 28th April onwards. He
was not given lunch, tea or dinner on 28th. Again on 29th no breakfast was served to him. “J”
was fully prepared both mentally and physically for the operation in the morning
hours of 29th. We kept waiting
for the moment but to our great surprise, we were told around 11.30 am that
James would be the second patient. Being the second in the waiting was not a serious issue but “J” had not eaten for the past 24 hours and it was showing
on him. He was looking physically exhausted. In the normal circumstance only 12 hours fasting is demanded as a preparation for the surgery. The
first operation of the robotic prostectomy was successfully completed only by
3.00 pm. We were informed immediately so as to proceed towards
the operation theatre which is located
in another wing of the hospital. In fact the operation was being conducted in the operation theatre of the cardiology unit
since the Robots were available only there. Realizing that James was without
food and water for more than 24 hours, they put him on Intra-Venous fluids by
2.45 pm. Shortly after that, we proceeded towards the operation theatre. He was put on a hospital stretcher, robbed in hospital outfits, looking tired yet fully composed and ready to
go through that first time experience which you and me might not go through in life at all. His life experiences have always been unique and eventful, some
of which would certainly make interesting history for the generations
to come.
We were a big
gang including me and our affectionate son. There were so many of our
friends and a few relatives accompanying
“J” up to the operation theatre. We were made to wait outside the
theatre since Dr. Jose who was operated upon first was still inside the theatre. Every moment of waiting
was agonizing. I would rather not like
to recall those moments any more. Dr. Jose was wheeled out of the operation room
while my “J” was wheeled in to the operation theatre around 4.00 pm. I wanted to go in with
him, I wished in vain that they
would say that I could be with him during the surgery too. Instead , they asked
us to leave the place and wait in the room until they called us. So we went back to the room No.408. Since the first operation took around 4 hours, we expected that the second one too would take about same time. We waited in the room, everyone was so anxious
but there was chit chatting in the room to relieve the anxiety and tension. Our room was full of people, but I was terribly nervous, I could hear my heart beat, I felt lonely since my
“J” was at that moment lying on the operation table surrounded by
strangers, I am sorry for referring the doctors and nurses and all those who were present with “J” as strangers. Yes, it was the stranger who became the good Samaritan. I kept praying not only for
my “J” but more for the doctors and the rest doing their very best to successfully complete
their mission at that moment in that operation theatre. Well, they did it … The operation was completed with great success
within less than four hours. We were informed
around 8.00 pm and all of us rushed to the place
where we had entrusted “J” in the care of those good doctors and others about four hours ago.. We waited patiently outside. After half an hour, Dr.
A.K. Hemal the chief surgeon who did the operation came out and broke the good news that
the operation was successful and there was a sense of fulfilment and joy seen on his face. Even before we
could acknowledge and thank him, he walked past so quickly. James was wheeled out on a stretcher. Although I was terribly anxious to see him, I was so sad and disturbed to see him with several tubes jetting
out from different parts of his body. He
was breathing with the help of oxygen
mask too. We marched towards C-4
ward, pushing the stretcher gently and with utmost care and the bed allotted
to him for the night was 21. The number is certainly significant hum Do, hamara
ek. He remained unconscious throughout the night and regained consciousness
only by 8.00 a.m. on the following day. Mercy whom I referred
earlier, a niece of “J” and
me kept the night vigil. The electronic machine
which stood next to his bed
kept blinking but it was continuously monitoring
the entire body functioning of “J”, the heart beat, the blood
pressure, the breathing rate, etc. Mercy
with her expertise as a professional nurse was noting down on the chart, as per the advice of the doctor, all the results showing on the monitor, besides recording the urine output as well as
the drainage. In the morning, the doctors came for their rounds, looked at
the charts and records and saw that “J” was alert and fully conscious. The doctors were pleased and the kind and gentle Dr. Rishi detached all the different tubes
and “J” was freed. He began to feel more normal. He was moved
to the Room No. 408 again. It was Saturday the 30th April 2005. All the news papers on that
day published elaborately
the historical event viz, Robotic Prostectomy with different headings. The two Js, Jose and James got their
places in the annals of AIIMS history.
There was rush of well wishers and visitors on the following day assuring us their continued support and prayers for J's speedy recovery. After all, “J” became part of the history which was made possible
by Dr. A.K. Hemal. May the Almighty
bless Dr. Hemal; may he continue to be effective instrument in His hands.
“J” recovered much faster than expected. He was discharged on the fifth day of the operation. It was 3rd May 2005. It fell on a Tuesday once again, a day of St Antony to whom my best friend Celine
prayed earnestly all through, for the good health of my “J”. We were very happy to be back in our sweet home. “J's" loving and caring brother returned to Kerala on the following day. Our son
decided to extend his stay.
Now it was
the waiting period for the final biopsy report. I kept praying to the Sacred Heart of Jesus for the very last miracle. Yes indeed, the God Almighty did the great marvel for us. The biopsy report
was received on Friday the 13th May 2005. The consultant’s verdict on the report finally brought us much awaited relief. The biopsy report was not only negative, but it also ruled out the need
for any further treatment. It was the most joyous day for all of us. My God did
the final miracle for us and I saw the healing power at work.
As per the advice of the Doctor, it was decided
to go for the post operative PSA test. The test was done on 30.05.2005 exactly
after one month of the surgery, and the report was received on the following day . It was Tuesday the 31.05.2005. The report of the PSA read
0.17 i.e. less than one.
The range 0-4 is considered normal.
The Agony that began on 31.01.2005 turned
into Ecstasy on 31.05.2005. Exactly four months of testing period has been the most memorable experience. It has increased my faith in God and People.
ALL IS WELL THAT ENDS WELL ……. I thank YOU and
I praise YOU.. YOU have done great things for us. Long LIVE “J” my LOVE….
R
Thoughts on Holi
Tomorrow is Holi, the Festival of Colours. People around will be celebrating
Holi with gaiety. That is as it should be.
But, we are celebrating Holi when the black clouds of war are looming large in the horizon. It saddens me to see when
some people talk only about war in the name of peace. My heart bleeds to see a world
Where fair is foul and foul is fair
Where to talk peace is to talk war
Where freedom means subjugation
Where Love is a stranger and Hate the gentleman
Where the cry of humanity is smothered
In cluster bombs new and Napam bombs old.
Everything is upside down
Reason lost its innocence
Garb of God becomes Satan’s gown
Black is white and white is black
Celestial light departed from the morning sun
And grey light of tomb fills the earth.
I am sorry, friends, that I have been talking in
murky terms on a festive occasion when one should be in a gay abandon. But dear ones, I came to live in the glory of Love
and the light of Beauty, which are the reflections of God ((Kahli Gibran), but everywhere it is the glorification of the
Asur Hiranyakasipu and not Prahlad, despite the tradition of Holi. With Shelley,
I say
Ah, woe is me! Winter is come and gone,
But grief returns with the revolving year.
Shake I these grisly moods
And embrace winsome Feelings
Comely they are in colours
Spewn from pichkaris and hands fair
LET US THROW COLOURS,
LET US THROW FLOWERS
AND OFFER SWEETS SAVOURY
AND SPREAD HAPPINESS AND JOY
AND BRING HOLI INTO EVERY HOME
Thoughts on Thanksgiving
Day*
It is good to have a day set apart for reminding every one that we should be thankful to God for
the innumerable gifts that we have been receiving from Her. (It is coming as natural to think of God as a Mother when thinking
of thanking for the gifts). At the same time we must remember that we are receiving
gifts on all days. What is a greater gift than life? And that gift we are getting every moment of our existence. Therefore,
thankful, we are to be for every moment.
While people express their thanks to God for the gifts they received, many try to take away gifts
from their fellows. We are grateful to God for vanquishing our enemies! (Remember the Psalms in the Old Testament).
Are we not? Is that the spirit of Thanksgiving Day? I am sure the U.S. President will also participate in the thanksgiving
and he won’t mind on returning to his office to order the bombardment of few townships in countries which he considers
as inimical to the interests of his country. It does not militate against his thanksgiving that he becomes instrumental in
taking away the gift of life and certain other things from some fellow beings, that being collateral causalities to
his war for peace!
I am reminded of some old Jewish prayer which would read some what like this Lord, I thank thee that I was not born a woman. Even
in prayer, a thanksgiving prayer at that, people find it difficult to resist the temptation to throw slur on others. The
Jewish male is not alone in this. Don’t most of us when we thank the Almighty at least indirectly sound like “I
am grateful to you, for not creating me an animal, a beggar, an infidel and so on”?
I am a bit of a cynic (why a bit? May be a full blown one). I doubt the sincerity of most of our
public expressions like ‘thank you’ or ‘bhai’. Are they not mere polite meaningless words,
full of sound and fury signifying nothing? Do they really express our genuine feelings? When in India we say bhai
do we actually experience any fraternal feelings which is what that expression conveys? Do we treat him as our brother? Or is it just a form of addressing the other? I am inclined to believe it is the latter
one. (This is only an example. It is the same with such expressions in other languages and other cultures. I only mentioned
one that came to my mind readily as that is part of my cultural milieu.) So is the case with most formal expressions including
saying thanks. They are to be said. That is what we are taught as good social manners, as part of social etiquette, as marks
of good breeding and we all want to pass as cultured people, people hailing from good, aristocratic families! Yes, I agree
it is better than not saying anything. What I am driving at is that the insincerity part should go and we should be able to
say these things with full sincerity. Otherwise all these words are meaningless. The Hollow Man was supposed to have
existed in The Wasteland between the World Wars. Let us become real beings, who mean what they say.
We, I am afraid, are happy with masks, with insincerity, with formalities, with a make believe
world. If a person goes to church or temple or mosque, pays obeisance to the priests, to the elders, makes offerings and so
on then we will hail him as a good person, rather a godly person. We are not perturbed even if we come to know that the same
person hoards food or drugs and thereby send thousands to death. We do not mind if the person overcharges and short-changes.
We do not mind even if the person keeps a slave. We do not mind even if the person demands and takes bribe for doing his duty
or for doing a wrong thing. I am seeing such things all around That is why I am a cynic.
I do not claim that this is a new phenomenon. As I perambulate through history I find that this
has been the rule rather than the exception. Many a time you will have to read between the lines, many a time you will have
to interpret the silences of history to get a vision of the truth. Demythification (not demystification) of history is necessary
for history has been written by the victors and they wrote it in such a way to show their ways as the right ones. (A recent
such example is the history of Second World War. Holocaust perpetrated by the Nazis was wrong, but atom bombing Hiroshima
and Nagasaki was right!!). As in Macbeth,
Fair is foul and foul is fair
Hover thorough the fog and filthy
air.
Like thousands and millions of other people I too wish to see a happier world. I do read The
Bible, though was not allowed to do so in my Sunday school and I recall Psalm 133 with great fondness:
How good, how delightful it is for all to live together like brothers;
Fine as oil on head,
Running down the beard
To the collar of his robes;
Copious as a Hermon dew
Falling on the heights of Zion,
Where Yahweh confers his blessing,
Everlasting life.
Sorry, I am becoming a bore with my dark thanksgiving, but the American’s favourite poet,
Swinburne is not far behind me when he sings,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no man lives forever
That dead men rise up never
That ever the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.
Yes, ultimately let us all be thankful that we are alive, we are allowed by the Almighty to enjoy
the beauty of the sunsets (remember my favourite The Little Prince who always loved sunsets), the cool breeze, the
chirping of the birds, the mewing of the cows, the flowers in their different colours.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
* Letter written
to a friend in the U.S.
Independence Day Message (2002)
-James
Thanickan
There is one day every year, which almost all
of us look forward with eagerness and expectation. That is our Birthday. Young children always call it ‘Happy Birth
Day.’ There is one birthday which we all share. That is the birthday of our nation. August 15 is the birthday of
India and India is the people of India. Therefore, it is our common birthday.
Birthdays are occasions for celebration. It is
also a day for reflection on the past and for making new resolutions for future.
Independence for India came after a long and arduous struggle. There was an important theme inherent in the non-violent freedom movement.
That theme, that message was FREEDOM FROM FEAR. Gandhiji could instil it in the people of India that they must overcome their fears, mainly their
fear of the might of the British Empire and also their
fear of change. In its time the British Empire, where the sun never set, was a very powerful state. To defeat that power was not considered possible or feasible.
People were afraid of the power of the British. Gandhiji exhorted them to overcome that fear. He gave Indians self-confidence;
the confidence that they are not inferior to others. Once they freed themselves from fear, political freedom became an achievable
goal. And we did achieve that fifty-five years ago.
Now one gets the feeling that we are losing that
self-confidence, that pride which the freedom struggle gave us. Many voice the fear that we will never become a prosperous
country, fear that we do not have the grit and stamina and commitment to make a great nation. One often hears a lot of lamentations
over things going awry in our country. This is all coming out of our perception that we are not a first class people, that
we are not equal to the Westerners, that we are not able to do anything right, that we make a mess of everything. This was the fear from which Gandhiji’s leadership had led the people away years ago. We have again
fallen victims of defeatism. We have to make a resolve to free ourselves from this fear. Then only our beloved
country will really awake to, in the words of Gurudev Rabindranath Tagore,
that
heaven of freedom,
Where
the mind is held without fear and the head is held high;
where
knowledge is free.
Then only we can become
a developed and prosperous country as expounded in his vision for the future of India by our President Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam.
People often ask how to do this. What is the
right time to begin; whoare the right people to lead the way and so on. To answer these questions let me recount a short
story by Tolstoy.
It once occurred to a certain King that if he always knew the right time to begin everything and the right people to consult and the people to avoid and,
above all if he always knew what was the most important thing to do he would never fail in anything he might undertake.
He made a proclamation that any one who would teach him this would be rewarded handsomely. Many learned men gave different
suggestions such as, the best time to begin anything new would be as per the position of the stars, consultation should be
with magicians, scientists, medicine men and so on. The King was not satisfied. Then some one suggested to him that there
was a saintly hermit in the forest who could answer his queries.
The King went in search of the hermit. He found him working in his garden with a spade.
The King recited his questions. The hermit listened to him but instead of answering went on doing the work he was doing. After
some time the King reminded him but of no avail. Seeing the hermit looking tired, the King offered to help, which the hermit
gladly accepted. The King went on working, occasionally reminding the hermit. When it was dusk, the King again asked the questions.
This time instead of answering the King, the hermit said, “Here comes some one running, let’s see who it is.”
A
bearded man holding his hand on his stomach came running and fell on the ground fainting. The King helped the hermit in washing
and dressing and putting him to sleep. By that time the King was also tired and he also fell asleep. In the morning the wounded
man awoke along with the others and told the King that he was his sworn enemy who had planned to kill the King on his way
back from the hermitage. “But the day passed and you did not return. So I came out from my ambush to find you and I
came upon your bodyguards and they recognised me and wounded me. I escaped from them, but should have bled to death had you
not dressed my wounds. I wished to kill you, but you have saved my life. Now I will be your loyal slave for ever.”
The
King was very happy and decided to go back to his palace, but before departure he once again requested the hermit for the
answers to his questions. The hermit replied: ‘you already have been answered! You see, if you had not pitied me and
helped me you would have gone back and this man would have attacked you and you would have repented of not having stayed with
me. So the most important time was when you were digging the beds; and I was the most important person; and to do me good
was your most important business. Afterwards, when that man ran to us, the most important time was when you were attending
to him, for if you had not bound up the wound he would have died without making peace with you. So he was the most important
person, and what you did for him was the most important business. Remember: there is only one time that is important –
Now! It is the most important time because it is the only time when we have any power. The most necessary man is he with
whom you are, for no man knows whether he will ever have dealings with any one else; and the most important affair is, to
do him good, because for that purpose alone man was sent into this life.’
So, remember, now is the most important time
in our life and what we are required to do now is the most important thing. When you are in the classroom the most important
thing to do is to study and the most important person is your teacher. When you are in the playground the most important thing
to do is to play. Whatever you do, do well, do it with your full heart and soul. If we do that, we will be doing our
duty to our country and then, we will get rid of our fear of defeat. And the right time to start that is NOW. Remember,
yesterday is history,
tomorrow a mystery
and today is a
gift
That is why it
is called the Present.
At
the same time we should not be afraid of change, or of future or of going ahead. Let me narrate a parable by
Sri Ramakrishna.
Once a woodcutter went into the forest.
On the way he met a holy man who told him to go forward. The woodcutter decided to follow the advice of the holy man and he
went little deep into the forest. There he discovered sandalwood trees and returned with cartloads of sandalwood, sold them
in the market and became rich. A few days later he remembered the words of the holy man and decided to venture deeper and
found a silver mine, became richer. After some time he ventured still deeper and found a gold mine and became still richer.
Again after some more time he ventured much deeper and found a diamond mine and became very rich.
Whatever you may do, you will find better
and better things if only you go forward. We need to get rid of our fear of
the unknown and go forward. There is a tendency to stay at where you are because you are comfortable. But remember the
words of the American poet, Robert Frost:
The woods are lovely, dark and
deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.
Remember, Pandit Nehru used to have these lines always on
his office table.
This
is the message of Independence Day, that
we
must get rid of our fear of defeat,
our
fear of failure,
our
fear of future
and move
forward as responsible people
doing our
present duty to those around us.
Jai Hind .
NEW YEAR REFLECTIONS WITH
POETS
Dear friends and relatives,
Once more it is the season of festivities, season of greetings, season of new resolutions and above all season
of change. Those who had a ‘bad’ year look forward to the new year with the hope that the new year will bring
happiness; those who had an indifferent year look forward to the new year with the hope that it will be better than the past
one and those lucky ones who had a ‘good’ year look forward to the new year with the hope and wish that it will
be a still better year. I wish them all their wish fulfilment.
The first thought which comes my mind is that no body really wants the current year to stay with us any longer.
Or, am I wrong and there are some who would tell the outgoing year
Stay yet a while! Speak to me once again
Kiss me, so long but as a kiss may live. (P.B. Shelley)
I often wonder why we all look forward with so much hope and expectations to the New Year, even when for some of us the year that had been was full of
sad remembrances, of things we would like to forget for ever, even when we know that wishes are just wishes and may not happen,
nay, most often not happen at all.
[I ignore those few incurable cynics who will say
A year comes and a year goes
What does it matter to me?
My days roll on from
One crisis to another.
And those few ‘philosophers’ who say
Time past and time future are but
The two points of a swinging pendulum
And those poets who say with Cavafy,
You will find no new lands, you will find no other seas.
The city will follow you.
You will roam the same streets.
And you will age in the same neighbourhoods
And you will grow grey in these same houses.
Always you will arrive in this city.
Do not hope for any other]
But, most of us look forward hopefully. Why? The answer I can think of is that hope is in-built in human beings. Even
when life appears to be a bleak house, an unfathomable abyss, a glimmer of hope (Forget Kahlil Gibran who said hope is an ailment) remains somewhere. That
is why we always have a wish. That is why a cynic (not an incurable one yet!) like me too wishes for all to have a Happy New
Year. If, as they say, by chance the wishes come through it will be good! So,
you are welcome to wish me also happiness!!
While I know that nothing dramatic or earthshaking will happen on the stroke of midnight of December 31 and the next morning will be as the previous morning except to
the extent that the year digit would have changed, I am inclined to look upon it as a ring for change, a harbinger of transition.
From the beginning of time change has been the mainspring of life, nay, of the universe itself. As per the latest theory of
cosmologists (and my favourite astrophysicists), the present universe evolved out of a cell, a cell of energy not of matter,
which grew and divided, which in course of its evolution created time, space and matter. Even in the recent history of living
organisms, change has been the main running stream; creatures, which changed and adapted themselves to changes outside them
could survive; those who changed more and evolved themselves in to beings who could cause or even bring changes could climb
higher in the evolution ladder. This theme of change is inherent in the transition
of one year to another in the calendar.
Some times I just wonder over the way the New Year has been celebrated over the centuries its
evolution from the Mesopotamian New year festival of Zagmukthe to the Sacaea of the Persians to the Jo Saturnalia of the Romans
and to the Christmas of the Christians and to the current Christmas–New year Celebrations. It was not long ago that
the Church had looked disapprovingly over the New Year celebrations treating them as Pagan and un-Christian. When it found
that its prohibition failed, the Church adapted the Saturnalia celebrations as Christmas; adaptation for survival!! Isn’t
it funny to remember that in ancient Egypt New Year was celebrated when Nile flooded while in
Kerala it is still celebrated when rains stopped? I laugh like anything when
I recall the ways the Mesopotamians (or Babylonians, I am not sure) celebrated by stripping their king of all clothes and
also recall that the Austrians celebrate by dressing up (sylveterklauses). What I learn from the recalling the history
is that change (I know what Alphonse Karr said, The more things change, the more they are the same.), adaptation and variety are part of every
thing. Hasn’t some one said, “variety is
the spice of life”?
I have friends who tell me that the breaking of the New Year is the time for recollection, for repentance of
sins committed, knowingly or unknowingly. For, they say, when we committed sins,
There hath past away a glory from the earth (Wordsworth).
I know Kahlil Gibran had said,
One may not reach the dawn save by the path of night.
But I am more inclined to sing with Cavafy (who is my latest favourite or fad),
The days of our future stand
in front of us
like a row of little
lit candles --
golden, warm, and lively
little candles.
The days past remain behind
us,
a mournful line of extinguished
candles;
the ones nearest are still
smoking,
cold candles, melted, and
bent.
I do not want to look at
them; their form saddens me,
and it saddens me to recall
their first light.
I look ahead at my lit candles.
I
do not want to turn back, lest I see and shudder
at how fast the dark
line lengthens,
at how fast the extinguished
candles multiply
Tell me, why should I mar my happiness in being Hopeful by mia culpas. I do not gloat over
my sins; I do not boast of my indiscretions; I do not claim any ‘wrongs’ as ‘rights’ (your ’wrong’
is my ‘right’ approach). Like a tragic character my repentance started the moment of commitment of the sin. But
do I have to kill the happiness (momentary though that may be) that I can get in being hopeful of a Bright Year, because of
my past sins? No, friends, for once let us forget the past and live in the Hope of the Present.
As Omar Khayyam sang in his Rubaiyat
You know how little while we have to stay,
And, once departed, may return no more.
Do we have to have any plan for the future, for the ‘tomorrows’?
Omar Khayyam says,
Tomorrow?
– Why, Tomorrow I may be
Myself with yesterday’s Sev’n Thousand Years.
… … …
Dust into Dust, and under Dust, to
lie,
Sans Wine, sans Song, sans Singer, and –
sans End.
Yes I know it is only for a day that it can be so, for as Longfellow writes,
Man is a history-making creature who can neither repeat his past nor leave it behind.
But let us escape with Keats’ Nightingale
Fade far away,
dissolve, and quite forget
… … …
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Let us forget for a day this place,
… where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few sad, last grey hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and spectre thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs;
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond tomorrow.(Keats)
Let there be a temporary amnesia over
This strange disease of modern life,
With its sick hurry, its divided aims,
Its head o’ertax’d, its palsied hearts (Matthew
Arnold)
Forgetting the
Turbid ebb and flow of human misery.
(Matthew Arnold?)
Let us wish in the words of Wordsworth for
New Year
Apparelled in celestial light,
The
glory and the freshness of a dream.
Fair as the moon, bright as the sun
Majestic
as the stars in procession.
(Song
of Songs 6.10)
And
for a resolution let us remember Emily Dickinson
If I can stop one heart from breaking
I
shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching or
cool one pain
Or
help one fainting robin unto its nest again
I shall not live in vain.
And
the Psalmist
Blessed
is he who has regard for the weak. (Psalm 41.1)
And
that is not very difficult, for as the Malayalam poet Akkitham wrote
When
I shed a tear for others, a thousand suns arise in my heart’s horizon
Or as
that great sage Narayana Guru said
That
which you do for your happiness
Should
bring happiness to others also.
Or with
the Psalmist you may
Put
your hope in God
(Psalm
42.5)
And,
say with assurance,
Nothing
will; shake me;
I’ll
always be happy and never have trouble
(Psalm 10.6)
And,
thus let us resolve on December 31
Tomorrow to fresh woods and pastures new.
(John
Milton)
And
Go,
eat your bread with joy
And
drink your wine with a glad heart.
(Ecclesiastes
9:7)
And,
so let us sing
Auld Lang Syne
WISHING YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY,
PROSPEROUS AND PEACEFUL NEW YEAR
KULLU AM ANTUM BI KHAIR
(MAY YOU BE WELL THROUGHOUT THE YEAR)
Sasneham,
James Thanickan
A Funny Accident
James Thanickan
Last
week I had a funny accident while returning from my evening walk or stroll or whatever you prefer to call my daily perambulations
from 7.15 p.m. to 8.30.p.m. in Lodi Garden. While crossing the Ramana Maharshi Marg at the Khan Market red light I stumbled upon the traffic island and fell
forward. That was normal and quite understandable. But then I was skidding or rolling or something like that forward; Since
there was another segment of road further ahead I tried to brake myself and got a little scared when my body refused to come
to a peremptory halt. Somehow on the edge of the island I could arrest the forward movement. Naturally I got bruises
at several places (what children call loss of 'paint').
I
was, however, very careful and protective of a book for my best friend and a birthday card for my lovely niece that I had
in my hand and did not allow any damage to happen to those precious things. After all what is there in some skin, which in
any case is bio-degradable as per the classification of NDMC!! And
a book is the precious lifeblood of humanity.
But
my dog stick or baton in hand struck me on my shoulder and left its mark on my body. Perhaps the baton might have mistaken
me for a dog when I was a quadruped in the brief state before I reached the ground with my face down. Sometimes these
sticks are very 'wooden' and do not have any sense as to their owner!!! They should read Wordsworth.
Be
that as it may, I was determined not to remain in a horizontal position for long. After all I am not a soccer player in the
World Cup to lie down on the ground for the referee to turn up and show the yellow card to my challenger. I, though, could have waited for my walking companion, Mr Thampy to catch up with me, not necessarily in
a horizontal way but in a more vertical posture. He, incidentally, is thickset,
sturdy and sober in keeping with his age which has recently relieved him from his bondage to the Government of India
and is now a free citizen and, therefore, his perplexity in comprehending what happened to me like a lightening is understandable.
He, however, gave a beautiful simile later that I rolled like a football. I then got up 'promptly' and like a macho stepped
into the road segment ahead hoping that nobody except my companion noticed the great circus act and loss of paint.
The
Delhi traffic lights have no sense of
humour. The lights turned green and the traffic started flowing in front of me like water upon the opening of a shutter
in a dam. Since even my baton committed an unimaginative judgement error, I thought I could not rely on the assorted
vehicles moving on Delhi roads and like a prudent Dominican stepped back on the traffic island. Now my companion did one of those rare beautiful acts
of charity flowing out of the milk of human kindness. He held me firmly on my right arm. I at first thought it was a show
of solidarity and reassurance, but it was more than that. He did not want me to descend at a fast pace to the nether regions
of an open manhole just behind me half an inch away. Permitting me to take that step like the character in a poem by Ogden
Nash who thought promptness was walking out of the window of his office room on 28th floor and peremptorily reached the road
below in a shape and consciousness which he could never again fathom, would have deprived my friend of a companion for the
evening walk for quite some time. And what a loss of a chattering literati it would have been!!!
My
companion who is also an avid reader and a great fan of Dostoevsky later put it in Shakespearean language: “For
about ten-fifteen seconds the primal elements of nature were raging against you, lashing at and uprooting you like a tornado.” Perhaps that is the best description of the happenings which now sound so funny but
were baffling and shocking at that moment and on re-living quite scary on that part which did not happen but could have happened.
After all Sherlock Homes solved the mystery by asking the question, why the dog did not bark.
A
Note on WOMEN’S EMPLOYMENT AND FAMILY
James
Thanickan
During the past couple of decades,
many changes have occurred in social life. One of the major changes is women taking to paid employment in increasing numbers. Even though
we come across in history women who had been active in political or social or even economic life, they were mostly isolated
cases and women’s opting for a career in large numbers is post Second World War phenomenon. This social change took up momentum so fast that during the last decade (in the 1980s) in many countries
there has been an organised and institutionalised endeavour to increase the percentage of representation of women in various
services.
There are many reasons for this shift in social perception of woman and work. To
begin with, in the Western countries, women’s employment had become a necessity after the Second World War. A large number of able bodied men were lost in the war, thus creating a shrinking of labour force. Owing to a necessity, women gallantly came out of the hearth to fill the gap in the
labour field during the War. This had a cascading effect in the years that followed. Once they entered the labour market, women were also subject to market mechanism. They had to improve their qualifications through education. As education spread among women, they became conscious of the gender discrimination against them. The awareness that the society had been denying them equality led them to fight for
justice. Many concluded that it is the economic dependence of women that was
a major cause of the unjust treatment. They, therefore, advocated women’s
employment as a means to empowerment through economic independence. Employment,
education, awareness, economic independence, equality – all these were mutually replenishing and reinforcing. The cumulative effect is that the causative factors have led to a situation where a woman’s employment
is now looked upon as a normal phenomenon, just like a man’s employment.
Today, the reasons for woman’s employment are the same as for a man’s employment.
First, it is economic. For most poor families, it is a necessity; for
middle class families, it is the means to a better life, a life where the comforts of life would be accessible and for the
rich, it is basically for personal fulfilment. For some middle class women also,
a career is the way to self-realisation.
Be that as it may, woman’s
employment has thrown up a number of problems, particularly for the family life. These have arisen basically from the double role that a woman is compelled to play. Although she too has become a breadwinner, she continues to be the home maker too. In most cases, there is no reduction in her duties as a housewife. She still has to cook the food for the family, prepare the children for the school, and attend to the many
sundry household chores. She is carrying a double load of work; one inside and
the other outside the house. This double strain can and does affect her relationship
with the family. The children, the husband, the aged parents (if they are living
with the family) – all get the feeling that they are neglected. For, with
an outside job, naturally the woman cannot spend as much time with them as they and she too would like. She becomes an “always busy person” who cannot relax, sit and chat with the parents or listen
to the gabbles of the children. The husband misses the pleasure of meeting his
wife fresh from her bath with a cup of hot tea in her hands and a smile on her face when he returns from office. In fact, she herself returns from her outside work tired and with the knowledge that a harrowing day’s
work is still awaiting her return at the house also. It is an almost harrying
feeling.
Most working women have less
time for home care and her influence in the family may decrease. Some husbands
may also feel threatened, if the wife rises in her career faster and starts earning more than the husband and many accentuate
the tension. Another possible friction is when, because of her exposure to the
world outside, the woman develops her own interest areas and fails to share the interests of her husband.
There are, however, certain positive aspects too in woman’s employment, so far as the family is concerned. As already mentioned, it improves the economic position of the family, particularly
for the middle class making the comforts of life affordable. Apart from the financial
security that her work provides to the family, the work may give greater sense of actualisation to the woman. She is no more a mere shadow of her husband, but a person in her own right.
The outside exposure will also widen her horizon. The mental satisfaction
and intellectual life may lead to a positive attitude to life and family, enabling her to enjoy herself and make other family
members to enjoy life more.
Whatever be the pros and cons
of woman’s employment, now that the phenomenon of working woman is here to stay, one has to think of ways to alleviate
some of the problems generated by both husband and wife working outside. The
solution lies in ‘understanding’ – understanding by all partners of family, the husband, the children and the parents
and others. They must understand and appreciate the work of the woman, the support
she gives to the family and the hardship she is bearing for giving that support. They
all should help in reducing the woman’s burden by sharing the household chore.
The stereotyped view of housework as woman’s only job has to go. Since
housewife’s job was not a paid one, society had complacently been looking down upon it as below a man’s dignity
to do. It is now time for both husband and wife to share the housework, rather
home-making, willingly. May be the challenge the working woman poses to man is
not in the outside world but inside house: he has to prove now that he can also do housework equally well as a woman. With understanding and co-operative family
partners, working woman can contribute to enhancing family happiness through their financial contribution and enlightened
championship.
FAMILY IN TRANSITION
JAMES THANICKAN
To speak about family in
transition poses certain special problems in the Indian context; the reason being the wide varieties of family systems
existing in the country and the sharp regional differences. It is rightly
said that “the most intriguing system in the Indian sub-continent, next to the caste system, is its family system. India is the only
country where we find almost all kinds of family structures, ranging from several variants of matri-family model to ubiquity
of the patri-family model, and the practice of polyandrous and polygamous schemes and several institutions of mating.”
Generalisations, therefore, are difficult.
My observations
on family in transition are limited to the urban middle class family. This
is the family with which I can claim familiarity is not the only reason; this is the type of family where changes are more
discernible than in other types. The recent economic and technological changes
have affected this section significantly. This is one section which has taken
to modern education system in big way.
`
There
have been conspicuous changes in the family structure and nature during the last couple of decades. Values and norms too have undergone much change. Some of these
changes are good but some are really disturbing. There
are certain evil customs like dowry
which ought to have changed but have not. We have to keep in mind all these,
while discussing the issue “Family in Transition”.
A
striking feature of the changes is the declining importance of father. There
was a time when the entire family life was centred around the father. His success
both in business and in social life conferred on his wife and his children their only prestige. Father’s judgement on moral and social questions made him priest as well as king inside his house. His word was law within the family. When the father entered the house, a hushed silence
descended on the household. It was like a jungle when the king of the jungle,
the lion, was on a prowl. It was the dictatorship of the father. All that has changed. The father is no longer either the sole
bread winner or the sole arbiter in the family. The mother has taken to these
roles increasingly. The mother’s ascendancy is in direct inverse proportion
to the father’s decline of power. A major political shift in family life
had taken place over the last generation. Now there is more democracy; there
is now more egalitarianism. This fresh breeze of democracy in family is a welcome
one, and a long overdue one.
But
this democracy has been achieved at considerable cost, particularly to the mother. She now has to perform a double role – she has to be an earning person and
at the same time she has to continue with the entire house-hold chore. This is
quite a tough demand on woman. This has come from a wrong perception of sex stereotyping
of jobs. The household chores are still looked down as below a man’s dignity
to do.
The
working mother also affects parenting and child nurturing. Children, in most cases, are deprived of the affection and care which their natural rights are. Child care, unfortunately, is passing from the domain of parents to that of servants and crèches –
both ill equipped for the onerous responsibility. Grown-up children return from
school to locked up houses; have no one to chat over their day in the school. The
idiot box is their only company. And you know what company the television offers!
Of
course, the double income enables the family to spend more on the children. Children now enjoy much more facilities than were dreamt of by their parents when
they were young. The parents care for their physical needs lavishly to compensate
for the lack of care for the emotional and spiritual needs. But enhanced earning
power combined with the consumer culture has affected the life of parents and children altering their attitude to family life
which, in many ways, leads to the weakening and even breaking of family bonds. We
cannot put the blame for this on any one in particular. It is the compulsion
of the situation.
The
problem for the children is more acute because of the absence of grand parents in the nuclear families. The grand parents used to instil the traditional values in their grant children through stories and other
interaction. Not only the children are missing a cultural link, the old people
themselves miss the company and care of their own children. The aged are left to fend for themselves. Here also things are neither
clearly black nor plainly white as some would imagine. People want their off-springs
to make it big in the world. This naturally leads them away from their own places. Many emigrate to foreign countries. Even
when they stay in the same city, many stay separate from their parents. May be
it is due to the stress and pressures of the modern competitive world. Whatever
be the reason, the results are sense of alienation in children and feeling of loneliness and helplessness in old people.
Another discernible feature is the
growing individualism. Economic independence
of women has led to a certain weakening of family bonds and dependence. Women
have become more assertive both in the family and in the professional sphere. Husband
and wife have become competitors, not only with others but between themselves too and both outside and inside house. Consequently, the stress and strain in marital life
accentuate and many wilt under the pressure and opt for the easy way out. The
result is the higher rate of divorces. There would be many arguments in favour
of divorces, like two people who do not love or like each other any more should not be compelled to stay together. But, what is normally ignored by the protagonists in their search for their happiness is the interest of
their own children. In most cases, a little adjustment would enable both parties
to lead a normal life. Instead they rush to the court for a separation, then
a fight for the custody of the children, and so on, all the time ignoring the emotional trauma the separation inflicts on
the children.
Another
important departure from the past is in the matter of discipline. Spanking of children has now become a thing of past. No more
do we hear the proverb “spare the rod and spoil the child.” The working couple don’t have time to impose discipline on the children. The parents have given their children freedom and independence at an age that was
unthinkable in the last generation. This has its inevitable impact on discipline. While too much policing is bad, its total absence is also bad.
These
are some of the observable features of the family in transition. As I had mentioned
in the beginning, some of the changes are for good but some are not so good. Changes
will occur whether we like them or not. We cannot stop them. They are caused by socio-economic conditions beyond the control of the family. It should be our endeavour to see that while we retain good things, we reject or modify those which are
not good. Of course, ‘what is good’ is a relative concept. That which I consider as good may not be so considered by another.
For example, individualists would not agree with my position on divorce. I
am not against the individuals pursuing their careers or professional satisfaction.
But I hold that individual good is subservient to the family good and the social good.
Sacrifices are necessary. When we ignore the good of the family and refuse
to make any sacrifice for the family we are forgetting the sacrifices made by some others for us. And I firmly believe that ‘understanding’ can do wonders. If we keep an open mind,
and a cool head, if we make a genuine attempt to understand the other person, we will be able to overcome the temporary animosity
we felt for the other person. Mutual understanding will lead to love. Yes, the best love is “not ever having to say ‘you are sorry’.” But even if you
have to say sorry let us say it for the future of family.
Family
is a social institution which developed at a particular stage of human development.
It emerged in response to certain felt needs – biological, psychological and sociological. So long as these needs continue to be there, the imperativeness of family also would be there. Therefore, the changes should not be fatal to the institution of family itself. Transition should be to a better family and not to the dissolution of family.
(Talk at
Panel Discussion on ‘Family in Transition’ at Diocesan Community Centre Library, New Delhi on 20th
April 1994.)
MAHATAMA GANDHI
APOSTLE OF TOLERANCE
James Thanickan
Tolerance is fundamental to Mahatama Gandhi’s
philosophy of life. Non-violence is the cardinal principle of Gandhian world
view. Non-violence is an impossibility without tolerance. The Indian tradition
in general and Mahatama Gandhi in particular consider non-violence to be a positive quality, which encompasses many values
and attributes of which tolerance is an important one.
Gandhiji imbibed tolerance
very early in his life. He refers to this experience in his autobiography:
In Rajkot…I got an early grounding in toleration for all branches of Hinduism and sister religions. For my father and mother would visit the Haveli as also Shiva’s and Rama’s temples, and would
take or send us youngsters there. Jain monks also would pay frequent visits to
my father, and would even go out of their way to accept food from us – non-Jains.
They would have talks
with my father on subjects religious and mundane… .
He had, besides, Musalman
and Parsi friends, who would talk to him about their own faiths, and he would listen to them always with respect, and often
interest. Being his nurse, I often had a chance to be present at these talks. These many things combined to inculcate in me toleration for all faiths.
Gandhian tolerance is based
on equality of all religions. He staunchly believed that all religions are paths
to the one and only God whom different religions address by different names. It
is this belief that led to his conviction that religious conversion is not advisable.
Gandhiji advised his followers that their prayers should not be for the conversion of people of other faiths to their
religion; instead they would pray that their Hindu friends become better Hindus, Christian friends better Christians and Muslims
better Muslims. Gandhiji truly believed that there is truth in all religions,
that no religion is perfect that there are shortcomings in all religions. According
to Gandhiji, if you are not prepared to accept that other religions are as truthful as your religion, you must at least accept
that other people are as much for truth as you are. The concept of a secular
and tolerant India
that our Constitution propounds is owing to this philosophy of Gandhiji. Speaking
of the India
of his dreams, Gandhiji says: “I do not expect the India of my dreams to develop one religion, i.e. to be wholly Hindu, or wholly Christian, or wholly Musalman. But I want her to be wholly tolerant.”
To Gandhiji tolerance was
not mere sufferance but positive encouragement of diversity. For him tolerance
was not a matter of political expediency but the outcome of a deep-rooted conviction in the respectability of the multiple
ways to realize Truth. He had equal respect for all religions. He always believed that it was the duty of every cultured person to read sympathetically the scriptures
of the world.
We all want others to respect
our religion; so also we must respect other religions. Respect can come only
from understanding. Gandhiji said, “If we are to respect other’s
religion as we would have them to respect our own, a friendly study of the world’s religions is our sacred duty.” Gandhiji set an example to others in this. While
remaining a good sanatani Hindu, he had diligently studied and imbibed many good
things from the Bible and the Quran. He felt that his study of other religions
only made him a better Hindu. In his prayer meetings, prayers from different
religions were used. Often he had to face criticism from religious fundamentalists
for this practice of his. Responding to criticism of his reading and speaking
on the Bible in a Gujarati college Gandhiji said, “We need not dread, upon our grown-up children the influence of scriptures
other than our own. We liberalize their outlook upon life by encouraging them
to study all that is clears.”
Gandhiji’s attachment
to tolerance springs from his commitment to truth. He made it clear that his
doctrine of tolerance does not include tolerance of evil. But here too he made
a fine distinction, true to his greatness: “Intolerance of evil does not mean intolerance of evil-minded people. However, tolerances of evil people does not extend to encouraging or welcoming their
all actions.” Gandhiji was never for tolerating a religion founded on untruth. His own norm for judging whether a particular religion was founded on truth or not
was the effect of the religion on its followers; if it brings good to the followers then it is founded on truth, otherwise
it is a false religion.
Gandhiji firmly held that
truth would remove intolerance. He said that God should be worshipped not merely
with lips; he should be placed in the heart. Whatever be his name God is one. If this truth is known then all enmity and intolerance will end.
Published in News and Views New Delhi
Sept-Oct. 1995
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